


weathervanes

by APiffany



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Band camp, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, M/M, Sick Remus Lupin, pandemic free
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29021877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APiffany/pseuds/APiffany
Summary: They were kids when they met, and all they had was one brief summer, full of feelings they didn't understand. Everything would fall into place so easily, the world arranged itself for the whims of these two boys like magic.And now that Remus has found his was back, after all these years, Sirius understands knows that wishes on the full moon have the potential to actually come true.Loosely (VERY loosely) inspired by the Freelance Whales album, "Weathervanes."*Note: This is a contemporary AU set in a pandemic-free 21st century.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. the house chants on without us (prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm starting a new fic when I have an open fic, I'm sorry, but I don't have great writing stamina. I have already written a few other chapters for this, so the first actual chapter should be up today or tomorrow. Plus, the chapters will be long, because each chapter revolves around a different track on the album.

_We get up early just to start cranking the generator_

_Our limbs have been asleep, we need to get the blood back in them_

_We're finding every day, several ways that we can be friends_

_We keep on churning and the lights inside the house turn on_

_And in our native language we are chanting ancient songs_

_And when we quiet down, the house chants on without us_

* * *

It’s the perfect feeling, finding the person you’re supposed to spend you life with. Which is what makes it far more heartbreaking when they slip away, their photos and memories dust in your palms, sliding just out of reach. And if they leave due to no fault of your own? Then you’re hollowed out, falling through some invisible curtain, dividing your soul and body. You’re expected to carry on, pretend the love never existed because the world needs you to function, to get up early and do your tasks. But you operate as a poltergeist, haunting your daily rut, your graveyard of mundanity.

It’s no way to live.

So you see, he would do anything it took to get that person back. He had just disappeared. Again. He had already waited twelve years, yearning and biding his time, not understanding what he was waiting for — _who_ he was waiting for — and he wasn’t about to do it again. Another twelve years wouldn’t pass without him because frankly — he wasn’t sure they had that much time left.

* * *

But while one created a rescue plan, the other created a plan of escape. He had to look after himself. He had been on his own long enough, better to be alone than to curse another with the misery of his life. He especially couldn’t bring _him_ into this mess. He couldn’t be the reason why the stars fell from his eyes, why the moon’s glow dimmed. It was a form of protection, but if he thought this hurt, then he had no idea of the pain that was possible. He was just trying to get by, to survive. The future doesn’t exist when you’re just trying to get through each day.

It’s no way to live.

He would hold tightly to the small ways in which their friendship grew into something more, even before he understood what was blossoming between them. He would hold tightly to their jokes, their secrets, the language of their bodies. And living with the bittersweet nostalgic bloom would be enough. He had no choice. It had to be enough.


	2. if you're vaguely attracted to rooftops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus meets a boy at camp

**_2010, somewhere in the Vermont woods_ **

It all began at Hogwarts, a summer camp, as these things seem to do. For Remus, it was a chance to be a child. The Lupins could afford it this summer, having fewer procedures and operations to stack onto their increasing medical debt, and Remus’s parents thought that Hogwarts would be a chance for Remus to be his age. To exist as a healthy fourteen year old, to look in a happy memory before the inevitability of his life consumes his youth. No one knew that it would be the place where he met a boy who was unabashedly the loudest in the room, a boy who filled the space as he demanded.

Band class can be a great equalizer. Nerds who want mathematical analysis through time signatures and jocks who want to exert physical strength by banging percussive instruments once every half bar all can find space amongst the semi-circle of chairs, can harmonize together in combinations not understood, lifting them to new melodic unions. It was a perfect hobby for a quiet kid, like Remus. However, it wasn’t such a great hobby for a kid who had life-long lung issues.

Remus played French horn. He was vaguely aware that his middle school band instructor had tricked him into the instrument — he had a keen ear, a strong work ethic, and an interest in music, sure, but he was only perfectly average for a boy his age. He never told anyone that he had trouble with it sometimes, that he couldn’t breathe as deeply as he wanted to, that he would get winded easily. Remus enjoyed playing too much, enjoyed being in a group, and never wanted to risk that. 

It was only the first week. He hadn’t made too many friends yet, but Remus reminded himself that that was  _ normal _ . It  _ normally _ took kids a little while to make friends, that a lot of the children he was surrounded by had known each other for a few summers now. It wasn’t him, it was just puberty. He arrived at the music room early, intending to re-grease the valves — there were so many and he hadn’t quite gotten the hang of efficiently caring for the twisted instrument — and winded up walking into a nearly full blown Sirius Black tantrum.

“But Flitwick —  _ Mr. _ Flitwick, I don’t see why I can’t play trombone,” Sirius huffed. He held the disconnect bell and slide, brandishing the two halves of the instrument wildly while Remus remained still by the door, not sure whether he should leave or not.

“Mr. Black, I was  _ specifically _ instructed that you continue with your violin —“

“I  _ hate _ violin,  _ please _ , sir,” Sirius whined. “I get enough of it at home, I want to try something different, and besides, Snivellus -“

“Mr. Black —“

“Snape —“

“ _ Mr. Black —“ _

_ “ _ Besides,  _ Serverus  _ needs the practice more than I do! I play with him in All State, he’s  _ perpetually _ out of tune, it brings me  _ down _ , sir!” 

Flitwick sighed. The short, wiry hair conductor seemed unwilling to contradict Sirius on this point. He paused and considered Sirius for a moment, as if genuinely contemplating the boy’s request. “How about the trumpet? You haven’t learned that one yet, have you?” He asked, eyebrows raised.

Sirius let out a joyful hoot. “That’s  _ perfect _ , sir!  _ Thank  _ you.” Sirius nearly dropped the trombone parts he was holding out of excitement, making Remus and Flitwick flinch. The young boy realized his mistake, sputtered an apology and quickly put the instrument back into the case Remus hadn’t seen was open near the boy’s feet.

“On one condition, Mr. Black,” Flitwick said, eyeing Sirius. “I won’t have you and Mr. Potter faffing around in the back row. If you want to play trumpet, it’ll need to be the first chair,  _ away _ from the trombones.”

Sirius furrowed his brows. “Don’t I need to audition for first chair?”

“You and I both know that’s not likely to be necessary,” Flitwick said. Sirius shuffled a bit in his spot, seemingly uncomfortable with flattery. “Besides, our new horn player is quite good, he should be able to help you along. Speak of the devil — Mr. Lupin, come in, come in!”

Remus flinched and crept through the door, uncomfortable with the false praise. “Hi,” He mumbled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, I just wanted to —“

Flitwick waved him off with his hands. “No worries at all, my boy. I leave you two be.” With that, Flitwick went off to do whatever pre-class business was necessary, leaving the two boys staring at each other. 

Remus clenched his jaw. He quite liked playing next to the two Prewett brothers. They were entertaining in their own way, left him alone, and both decent enough that Remus wasn’t thrown off beat sitting next to them. Most importantly, they didn’t play at any ear-scattering volumes.

Remus locked eyes with the new trumpeter, who had a curious look on his face as he took Remus in, as if finding him to be a most delightful riddle. Remus sighed and said, “You so much as play one fortissimo out of place and I’ll shove you into Hagrid’s tuba.”

Sirius cracked a smile so wide Remus thought his face might split. “Amazing,” Sirius marveled.

Remus never realized that he would do whatever it took to keep that smile on his new friend’s face. 

* * *

And so their friendship grew from there, growing with each passing music class. As the weeks rolled forward, Remus found himself spending more time with Sirius, slowly learning everything there was to know about the new trumpet player. Through Sirius, Remus grew to know James Potter, Sirius’s friend from home who was only in band for his best friend, and Peter, a boy from the hometown duo’s cabin that they had adopted and brought into the fold, and who turned out to be shockingly sweet, despite not being rather bright. The four made an easy group, spending meals and free time together, finding themselves to sign up for the same activities. It was the exact type of normal that Remus had craved.

The only abnormal thing about Remus’s time at Hogwarts was the surprisingly magnetic balancing act between Sirius and Remus. There was something about the two of them that differed from everyone else, that made things fall into place in such a way it seemed preordained. Perhaps it was a push and pull the forced everything else around them to click. Or a dance with steps Remus hadn’t realized he learned but knew the rhythm by heart. It felt so simple but grew more complicated everytime Remus tried to solve their impossible equation. No one argued with Remus more than Sirius, but no one made Sirius laugh more than Remus. Remus could understand immediately what Sirius was feeling, but for the life of him could never understand his thoughts. And when Sirius was upset — which could happen at any moment, he was as temperamental as a faulty spark plug — Remus was both the distraction and the comfort. 

But most importantly, Sirius never tried to push Remus past his physical limitations. He never made Remus feel ashamed for only being able to swim so far, or not having enough lung capacity to finish the hike. He wouldn’t pressure Remus to keep going like James, or ask a thousand questions like Peter. Sirius would just note when Remus would stop, and join him. When Remus got out of the lake, Sirius was the one who helped him onto the pier. When Remus had to stop walking after a rough hill, Sirius was the one sitting beside him, pulling lemon candies out of his backpack to share. When Remus’s vision grew blurry after a particularly long measure, Sirius was the one who engaged Flitwick in a series of unending questions until Remus’s head stopped spinning. 

Remus never told him what was wrong. Sirius just seemed to sense what he needed.

The first time they ever shared secrets — secrets James or Peter didn’t know, secrets neither of them would be willing to share with anyone else for a long time — it was the Strawberry Full Moon. The four had arranged a plan to break curfew and steal marshmallows, crackers, and chocolate from the kitchen. Sirius had a torch lighter and they were going to make midnight s’mores. It felt dangerous to Remus, and he couldn’t wait to sink his teeth into the forbidden treat.

At quarter ‘till midnight, Remus snuck out of his cabin and quickly made his way to the mess hall. He waited in the bushes, jealous that his friends all would be able to come together. He felt the seconds grow long, but remained hidden, urging himself not to check his wrist watch. His anxiety quickly morphed into anger the longer he squatted, foliage poking him in the sides. 

_ They must think I’m some sort of joke,  _ Remus thought, finally looking at the time. 12:02.  _ Just leave me in the dark, let me get eaten by a wolf. _

He fought with himself, trying to decide when, and if, he should leave. The urge to pee began to grow, making his decision for him.

“ _ Remus, _ ” a crude whisper broke through the night. “ _ You here?” _

Shocked that someone had shown, Remus popped out of the bushes without a care, not even considering the idea that this could be a trap. Sirius, startled by Remus’s sudden movement, let out a shriek, and Remus lunged forward, clamping his hand over Sirius’s mouth, pulling him down into the bush.

“Shut up, you tit!” Remus scolded. “You  _ want  _ us to get caught?” 

Sirius let out a chuckle. “Sorry, sorry. Ready to go?”

“I’ve been ready,” he replied. “Where’re James and Peter?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Chickened out. Well, Pete did. James felt bad, so he stayed, but I’m not missing out just because Peter’s a coward. So it’ll only be you and me.” 

“Well let’s get a move on, then,” Remus replied, secretly grateful it was just the two of them. He felt lighter, giddier. The mission felt even riskier, somehow, yet he felt completely safe with Sirius. 

“What’s the plan?” Sirius said, looking up at Remus.

“What do you mean, ‘what's the plan’?” Remus asked. “Wasn’t this your idea?”

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. “I figured I’d just follow you, you seemed into it.” 

Remus gave Sirius a push on his shoulder. “Idiot,” he mumbled. Sirius just laughed,  _ that  _ smile overtaking his face, the starlight catching the glimmer in his eyes. Remus’s breath caught. “Right, urm, well, let’s go,” Remus muttered, raising off the ground. “You’ll need to be  _ quiet _ though, Sirius — think you can handle that?” 

“I’ll try my best,” Sirius laughed. Remus just rolled his eyes.

They crept up the stairs and through the screen door as quietly as the squeaking floor boards would allow. Sirius let out a quiet curse as he bumped into benches, Remus shushing him and swallowing his own laugh. The pair prowled into the kitchen, towards the pantry, Remus ripping open his empty backpack to fill with confections. 

“Damnit, it’s locked,” Sirius said once they reached their destination. 

“Here, let me try,” Remus replied, fiddling with the lock. He had an idea of what the combination might be, but it was a long-shot. After a bit of fuss, the lock popped open, and Remus smirked at the awed look on Sirius’s face. 

“How’d you know that?” Sirius gasped. 

“Just a hunch,” he said. “It’s the same one Pompfrey uses in Medic.”

“Amazing,” Sirius marveled. 

“Stop staring and grab stuff,” Remus laughed, breaking Sirius’s trance. 

“Right, right,” Sirius said, shaking his hair. They both snatched fistfuls of snacks, overcome with their success. Perhaps in this rush they had grown too loud, or accidentally set off an alarm, because before they knew it, a scraping voice called out from outside the cabin. 

“Come on out, you weasels. I’ve got you now.”

The boys looked at one another in terror. “ _ Filch! _ ” They whispered in unison. 

Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm, dragging them deeper towards the back of the mess hall. They heard the slam of the screen door and some mumbled curse words as Filch rammed into benches and tables, searching for the light switch. 

“Quick, climb up!” Sirius indicated to a window above their heads, just big enough for them to squeeze through. “I’ll boost you,” Sirius said, holding out his hands. 

Remus stepped into the hand basket and shoved open the mesh screen, pushing himself through the clearing. He tumbled onto the other side and turned back, taking hold of Sirius’s forearms, helping his friend through the cramped square. They broke out into a sprint towards the lake, never letting go of each other's arms, holding in their laughter. Remus tugged Sirius towards the dilapidated boathouse, knowing there were plenty of places to hide. They finally settled between two row boats, huddling close, backpack smashed between them, just tucked away enough that they couldn't be seen from the door. The pair waited with bated breath, listening as close as possible for any sounds of Filch. 

They waited. And waited. Remus couldn’t tell if hours or seconds passed as he sat as still as he could, not daring to look at his watch again. His fingers brushed Sirius’s fingers, his knee rubbed against Sitius’s knee, and the light from the full moon dancing down on them, creating a dreamland spotlight. He could smell Sirius’s shampoo and tried not to inhale too obviously, scolding himself for being silly. Finally, yet still too soon, Sirius adjusted, stretching out his legs and threw his arm around Remus’s shoulders. 

“Well, Mr. Lupin, I think I can say we had a successful snack run, eh?” Remus reluctantly shoved Sirius off of him but the boy just laughed and opened up the backpack. “Now, we feast!” 

They unwrapped their stolen goods and began devouring them. Everything tasted better under the veil of nighttime, and they happily indulged. Remus thought about his mother’s sweet tooth and offhandedly mentioned missing his mother. Sirius grew quiet.

“What’s wrong?” Remus asked, noticing his friend’s withdrawal. He wasn’t sure what had caused the change, but he had never seen Sirius quite so stony-faced. 

Sirius sighed, and Remus grew worried. “I don’t want to go home,” he simply said. 

“What’d you mean?” They had never gone too far down describing their lives outside of Hogwarts. Remus knew that Sirius and James were neighbors and classmates back home, but beyond that Remus had figured that they grew up rather differently. Sirius was blessed, while Remus was often just bested by everyday tasks.

“I mean...” Sirius ran a hand through his shoulder length hair. Remus tried not to be distracted by the locks, but they just looked so soft and Remus wanted to get lost in them. “I mean just that. I don’t want to go home. It’s not...and everyone hates me there.”

“Don’t you have a brother?” Remus asked, confused.

“Yeah, and?” Sirius snapped. “Regulus barely even looks at me, even when I stop her from —” Sirius cut himself off, clenching his jaw.

“But your  _ mom _ ,” Remys began. “Your mom doesn’t hate you. I don’t think mother’s  _ can _ hate their children —” Remus shut up at the pained look upon Sirius’s face. Remus softened his tone, trying again. “You have James at home, he doesn’t hate you.”

“James doesn’t know what happens, he wouldn’t...he wouldn’t  _ get _ it,” Sirius mumbled. 

Remus blinked, sensing the enormity of this secret. He understood enough, had read enough stories to fill in the unspoken details. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, tentative and awkward at first, until Sirius collapsed into him. Remus tightened his hold, unwilling to let Sirius go. 

“When I go home, I won’t have any of this either,” Remus whispered. “I’ll have doctor’s appointments and doctor’s appointments, and no end in sight. Just hospitals and terrible lungs and pills. And things poking me. And no answers. So I don’t want to go home either.”

Sirius raised his head slightly to get a better look at Remus. “I thought you just had asthma?” 

Remus shrugged but didn’t bother correcting his friend. He didn’t want to go into it. Sirius sighed and settled back against Remus’s chest. Remus wondered if Sirius was trying to listen to his lungs. The silence settled over them, the comforting stillness of two hearts finally relieving themselves of a burden, if only slightly. Remus surprised himself by breaking first. 

“You should tell James.” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and looked ready to object, but Remus continued forward. “He might not get it, but he’d still be there.” 

Sirius sighed, but said nothing, just seemed to squeeze himself closer to Remus. A month ago this silence would have made Remus itch, the discomfort of not knowing how to react to something so personal, so  _ intimate _ . He was good at letting others talk, asking just the right question to encourage them to keep going. But here, with Sirius, Remus knew the best thing to do would be to let the boy think. He always had a pretty good hunch about what Sirius needed. Remus glanced up, and locked eyes on the visible craters from the moon, the glowing orb flirting back at him.

“Once a month, on the full moon, I make a wish,” Remus whispered.

“A wish?” Sirius asked, pulling away. 

Remus felt the corner of his lips lift. “A wish. I was born on a full moon, or at least that’s what my mom would always say. And one time, some kid told me that being born under a full moon, or even in moonlight, was unlucky. It really scared me when I was younger, and I used to get really freaked out around full moons. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, I’d scratch myself up, have really bad nightmares.”

“Then why do you make a wish if it’s unlucky?” Sirius said in hushed tones, hanging onto Remus’s every word.

“One day I just looked up and I wondered, ‘how could something so pretty, so… _ magical _ , be cursing me? How could something that beautiful be bad?’ And I don’t know, I just decided to change how I felt about it. I started to think of the moon as my friend, and if I was able to see it when it’s full, if it wasn't too cloudy, I would talk to it. Tell it about my day. I don’t have many friends back home, so it was nice to just  _ talk _ ,” Remus admitted, feeling ashamed. He pushed forward before he could be too embarrassed. “But somewhere along the way, the little chats turned to wishes. About anything or everything — whatever I needed that month. I just looked up and wished.”

“Have any of your wishes ever come true?” Sirius asked. 

Remus thought about this for a moment. “Dunno,” he replied. “But I’m not sure that matters.” Sirius nodded, seeming to accept this. Remus remained quiet and watched as Sirius looked up towards the moon, deep in thought. Sirius shut his eyes, squeezing them tightly closed, as if casting his wish into the night. 

_ I wish you would love me back. _

Remus blinked in surprise, caught off guard by the wish. It just slipped out of him. He glanced at Sirius, wondering if Remus had spoken the wish out loud, but Sirius’s eyes remained shut, as if he was in a trance, miles above the boathouse, somewhere in space, a star returned to the sky. Sirius slowly opened his eyes, and reacquainted himself with his surroundings. He turned towards Remus and smiled.

“Moony, I think our mission is completed,” he said, eyes beaming. “You shouldn’t be out so late, anyway, it’s well past curfew.”

Remus flicked him off, and Sirius laughed. The two climbed up, backpack still full of candy, ignoring the wrappers left in their abandoned hiding spot. Remus went to step forward, but Sirius surprised the boy by engulfing him into a tight hug. Remus stood, stiff and starstruck, and before he could respond Sirius let go.

The pair walked back to their respective cabins, unaware of the seismic shift that had occurred between them. 

* * *

The summer ambled forward, filled with more pranks and petty theft from the group of four boys. It was quickly becoming the best summer of Remus’s life. He wasn’t looking forward to having to go back to school, to teacher’s treating him so gingerly, like he was made of glass. He wasn’t looking forward to having to go back to lunches in the nurse’s office, separated from his classmates and observed “ _ just in case _ .” 

But most of all, he wasn’t looking forward to leaving his new friends. James and his hero complex, Peter and his careful perseverance, and most of all, Sirius. Sirius and his snark, his sincerity, his silliness. Even his bravado was endearing. Every annoying little habit drew Remus in, from forgetting his sheet music in band, to every stupid argument about ice cream toppings. 

The End of Summer Celebration was coming up soon, and Remus had hatched a plan to impress his friends. Specifically, to impress Sirius. He had never really been a big mastermind behind the escapades they had pulled over the last few months, happily volunteering for low-profile tasks. No one ever assumed Remus was involved, which offered a fantastic cover for the boy. Remaining unsuspected meant he could get passwords, combinations, and intel relatively easily. But this time around he wanted to orchestrate the entirety of the stunt, from start to finish. 

It wasn’t really a prank, so to speak, but it would be spectacular. 

Hogwarts had an old radio tower on the far end of the campus. It wasn’t operational, according to staff, and it remained locked and desolate. Sirius had told their year all about it one night during a campfire. Remus had learned that Sirius was from a Hogwarts legacy family with a large yearly donation, and every Black attended Hogwarts at some point in their childhood. Sirius recalled an intricate story about a counselor who died, his head nearly ripping off his body. This man haunted the spire, cursing any campers who dared go near the tower. 

Remus was pretty sure he could break in and get the radio to work. The boys’ mechanics and electronics class had inspired the idea. Remus thought that the courses at Hogwarts were so strange and honestly, unnecessary for a summer camp, almost as if they wanted to be reckless around the campgrounds. But the work came easily to Remus, which was an unusual feeling. He was able to sneak away for a few extra hours every night and learn about the ins and outs of radios, and he was confident that he had the basics down. 

The End of Summer Celebration was a festival that lasted the entire day, beginning with a massive pancake breakfast. Campers were allowed to do whatever they wanted, practically unsupervised, though there were several key rights of passage. Remus knew that the four boys would need to attend a few of these in order to keep up appearances. One, for instance, was the final band concert in the afternoon. Remus figured that the four could hide away right after the performance and run to the tower without anyone noticing. 

When the day finally arrived, Remus triple checked his plans. He had done well keeping the entire prank under wraps. Sirius had bugged him a few times about it, thinking something was wrong or wondering where he was always sneaking off too, but Remus always brushed it off. He wanted to wait for the last possible second before revealing his plans. The four ate their weight in pancakes, played various swimming and field games, and did all the activities their hearts desired. They finally made their way to the band room to warm up when Remus divulged his idea.

“I did something,” Remus began, hoping he was exceeding an air of mystery. “Or, well, I’m  _ planning _ on  _ doing _ something.”

James cocked an eyebrow from under his glasses. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I have a plan for tonight,” Remus smiled. 

“For the final campfire?” Peter asked, his voice already quivering.

“Better,” Remus replied. “After the concert ends, meet me at the radio tower. Make sure not to be seen together, though,” Remus spared a glance up at Sirius, nervous to see the boy’s reaction.

“Amazing,” Sirius whispered, looking at Remus as if he was the smartest person in the world. Remus already had a hard time breathing, and the way Sirius was looking at him made it worse. 

They continued on to the bandroom, got their instruments, warmed up, all brimming with anticipation. The concert happened without much fuss. Remus was out of tune the entire time, but only Sirius was really aware of it. The four were finally able to rush away after bows, almost in the clear, but were paused in their efforts by their conductor. 

Flitwick proceeded to give an irritatingly grand speech about  _ camaraderie  _ and how  _ proud _ he was of everyone. Remus could see that his friends were struggling not to fidget. Sirius was letting out not-so-subtle huffs, James kept running his hands through his hair, and Peter was doing a dance reminiscent of a child about to pee their pants. Remus remained quite still, though his heart raced. 

When they were  _ finally _ free, Remus ran to his cabin, needing to grab a few things he had already packed in his bag. He wasn’t sure where the other four were, but as long as they remained separate, they all could dodge suspicion. He wasn’t surprised when he was the first to arrive at the tower, just before dark and set out on the first phase of the plan — breaking the lock. 

He had a few lock picking devices he had gathered from older students, but was surprised to find it was a simple combination lock, similar to the one on the kitchen pantry. He examined it, trying to guess how difficult it might be to break, trying to think if there was another entrance that might be easier. But then an idea occurred to him — what if he tried a combination he already knew?

_ It can’t be that simple _ , Remus thought to himself.  _ They wouldn’t be that stupid _ .

Turns out, who ever had locked the tower  _ was _ that stupid, and Remus entered without a fuss. He couldn’t believe that whoever was in charge of security used the same combination  _ three times.  _ Adults were idiots. Remus let out a  _ whoop! _ of success and proceeded inside, leaving the door slightly ajar. He set it just right so that his friends would know to enter but anyone looking from a distance wouldn’t notice anything amiss. 

The tower itself was an only shaped building, surprisingly tall and narrow. Remus thought it actually looked a bit cartoonish and wondered who even designed this building. He had expected the equipment to be on ground level and the rest of the building to be dedicated to the tower, but when Remus entered through the door he was met with a deathtrap-spiral staircase and an old elevator. He knew he had to go up, but both devices seemed awful. Considering his options and his physical ability, he chose the elevator. He was less likely to lose his breath this way and if the lift broke, plummeted downwards and he died, he might not see it coming. 

The elevator groaned, having not been used in what must have been years. It was small and cramped, and Remus could only just squeeze into it — there would be no way for two people to fit at all, let alone comfortably. As he ascended, the machine made unbearable noises, screeching and crying out as if the gears were in pain. He understood why there were so many rumors about this place, so far everything about it was terrifying and abnormal. But he had a mission, had made up his mind, and he needed to see it through. The lift came to a clamoring halt, lurching Remus into the wall, but he figured he was at the top. He pried open the doors and finally found what he was looking for — the control room.

The control room was filled with various knobs and buttons, blocky stacked hardware and monitors, random meters and devices. Remus saw a turntable, a cassette deck and luckily, a CD player. There were two rolling chairs smushed together, a small window on the right and a ladder on the left. Remus assumed that led up to the roof and the actual tower. He brushed his hands over the equipment, anxious to begin but restrained himself.  _ Not yet _ , he thought.

He didn’t have to wait long.  _ “Remus?”  _ a hushed whisper floated up from below.

“Up here,” he called back, cognizant of who might be able to hear him outside. He heard some puttering from the stairs, a gentle curse or two following some loud thumps. Remus held back a laugh as Sirius appeared at the top, dressed in all black, hair tied up and away from his face. “You know there’s an elevator, right?” Remus asked.

“No, that’s a death trap,” Sirius huffed, winded from the climb.

“I guess I’m a ghost, then,” said Remus.

“‘ _ I see dead people,’”  _ Sirius mocked, gleefully laughing. “Speaking of — where’s that severed head?”

“I thought the story said he had  _ nearly _ lost his head?” 

“Eh,” Sirius shrugged, “There’d still probably be remains or blood or something.”

“That’s disgusting,” Remus shuddered. He really hoped this place wasn’t  _ actually _ haunted. “Where’re the other two?” He asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Peter sprained his ankle running back to the cabin, so he had to go see Pomfrey, and James got distracted by the girl’s cheer squad. Apparently they had a performance and he  _ had _ to watch.”

“You…didn’t want to watch?” Remus hesitantly asked. He had fully accepted his feelings for Sirius, and while he wasn’t able to deduce if they were returned, he still couldn’t help but be jealous. Sirius was a very likable boy, and that was just something Remus would have to live with.

“And miss out on Moony’s first plan?” Sirius replied, shocked. “Absolutely not. I’m not a dumbass. By the way — what  _ is _ the plan?”

Remus smiled, his cheeks stretching enough to hurt. “It’s pretty simple. I just wanted to blast out music for the whole camp.”

“You think you can get this thing to work?”

“ _ Probably _ , but who knows. It looks like it hasn’t been touched in years,” Remus said, anxiety brewing in his stomach. If he couldn’t get it to work, then this was all pointless. 

“I bet if anyone can do this, you can,” Sirius praised. “I mean, you unlocked that door.”

Remus blushed. “It wasn’t that hard.”

“Sure, Mooney.” 

Remus examined the system a bit closer, trying to see if there was anything obviously out of place. He found a few wires that had seemed to be chewed through by a mouse, but it looked like it led to equipment he wouldn’t need. Otherwise, everything seemed perfectly normal. It was surprising how easy this seemed to be, which made Remus incredibly doubtful. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Sirius asked. Remus jumped a little at the intrusion. He had gotten so into his inspection that he had forgotten that Sirius was waiting.

“Well,” Remus began. “…nothing. Nothing is wrong at all.”

Sirius clapped his hands and laughed. “Fantastic! Let’s load it up!” 

“I’m just,” Remus hesitated. “I’m just worried that I’m missing something. This was all too easy.”

“Moony. Remus. Remy Lu-who,” Sirius said, gripping Remus’s shoulders with his hands. “Life is complicated. So when something seems easy, when it seems too good to be true, don’t ask questions. Or you’ll ruin it. Just accept that you’re getting a win, and roll with it.” 

“Fine,” Remus exhaled, rolling his eyes. “There are CDs in my bag — pick something out.” Sirius began to rummage through Remus’s backpack while Remus laid out his theory about the inner workings of the tech. “So it seems very straight forward. If you want to speak, you use this mic and press this button. If you want music, you use one of those players on that wall. This switch will broadcast either to a station — who knows which station — or directly into the camp sound system.” Remus pointed out each control, only explaining what was absolutely necessary.

“Where did you learn all this stuff?” Sirius asked, comparing the tracklist of two different albums.

Remus shrugged. “Mechanics class.”

“You know, Moony,” Sirius said, looking up. “You’re an absolute genius.” 

“You’re one to talk, music  _ protégée _ ,” Remus taunted. “How many instruments can you play? Four? Five?”

“…seven,” Sirius muttered, sticking his tongue out at Remus as the boy laughed at him. “What’s this?” Sirius pulled out a burnt CD Remus had made before he left home, forgetting it was even in his selection. Sirius studied the tracklist that was scribbled on the front of the CD in thick black marker.

Remus tried to pull it from his hands. “It’s nothing, I forgot that was in there —“

“No, no, no, hold on! I like some of the songs on this,” Sirius interrupted. “Play this, exactly as it is. Oh! And set up the microphone?”

“Fine,” Remus sighed. He flipped the main power switch while Sirius got comfortable in one of the two chairs. Remus readied the mic, reminding Sirius which button to press when he wanted to speak. He then put the mixtape in the player. The opening notes of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs engulfed the small area, and the two boys smiled at each other when they heard the echo of the first few chords across the campground. Sirius tentatively pressed down on the microphone’s button, clearing his throat. 

“Helllllooooo Hogwarts,” Sirius cooed, deepening his voice. “It’s Nearly Headless Nick and The Bloody Baron  —” Remus snorted at the DJ names. “  —c oming at you with some sunset tuuuuuunes.”

_ Off with your head. Dance ‘till you're dead. Heads will roll. Heads will roll. Heads will roll on the floor. _

Sirius unhooked the mic and jumped out of his chair, rushing to the window, pulling Remus with him. They could faintly see students meandering around the camp grounds, stopping in their tracks at the noise. There was a small ruckus as people tried to explain where the music originated. Some had even begun to dance, much to Sirius’s delight.

“I think we need a better view. Up we go, eh?” Sirius said.

“Up?”

“Yeah, onto the roof.”

“Sirius,” Remus cautioned. “I don’t think it’s safe when the tower is hot —“

“Dying for the most worthwhile prank is an honorable death, Remus. We deserve to see our handiwork.” Sirius pleaded. “Besides, the stars are out and I think it’s another full moon. We’ve got  _ wishes _ to make.”

Remus was highly aware of how incapable of arguing with Sirius he was. He silently relented, indicating Sirius should go first. Sirius tested the ladder by shaking it, and once determining it was decent, began to climb. When he reached the ceiling, he wrapped one hand around the ladder and used the other to shove the flat door. It let out a screech before it  _ popped!,  _ opening easily enough for Sirius to pull himself through. Remus followed, climbing a little slower, trying to keep his breath even. Sirius reached his hand out and Remus approached the top, pulling him up onto the roof. 

The air was crisp and sure enough, they could see the entire campground under the cover of stars. It was breathtaking. The world seems so different only a few stories above ground. Remus figured he could get lost in this view and burned the unbelievable memory into his mind.

“Sirius,” Remus whispered. “This is beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied, his eyes bright, staring intently at Remus. “Yeah, it is.”

The boy held Remus’s gazed for a moment, only breaking it to grab Remus’s hand and guide him to sit down. He swore that the world went quiet, silencing itself for two boys on a roof. Remus never knew he could feel as at ease as he did with Sirius, wind whipping in his ears, the sounds of his favorite bands filling the airspace around him. 

“Make a wish, Moony.” Sirius whispered. Remus looked up at the full moon and silently made his wish. 

They didn’t know it would be the last full moon together for years to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the first chapter! I'm excited about this story because I feel like I don't typically write characters like Remus and Sirius, or at least not like the versions of them I have in my head. This story is a big experiment for me, so please let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Song at the end is "Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.


	3. what a tinder box we live in

_**12 years later, Boston** _

Sirius and Remus grew up apart, states away, both lonely. Sure, Remus had his family and Sirius had James, but since their summer at Hogwarts together, they both felt a void, and were unsure of why. Sirius never forgot about the skinny boy with sandy brown hair and light eyes, and felt Remus’s absence every time he returned to Hogwarts, realizing he would have to go another year without the person who ultimately and fundamentally understood him. 

Not to be overly dramatic about it, as Sirius was known to be on occasion, but Sirius felt terribly misunderstood by most of the folks he met. He learned very early on in his life that people viewed him in a specific light — reckless and loud, selfish, vain, a natural flirt. He supposed he had those tendencies, sometimes, but those adjectives never felt fully comfortable on his body. The alternative — the perception of him that lived on the other end of the spectrum, on another planet entirely — was that he was prim and posed and rigorous in all he did. Sirius knew off the bat that had more to do with his last name than any personal actions. 

But Sirius was used to expectations, and he was used to defying them. He had an acute awareness of what he was able to get away with, when to push limits and when to just let things be. If someone was going to make an assumption about him, particularly something traditionally unfavorable but fun, Sirius played into whatever idea was projected onto him. At least it made things enjoyable.

Remus, however, was the one person who had no expectations about Sirius. Early on in their friendship, Sirius tried deducing Remus’s theories about who Sirius was, but Remus never took the bait. Sirius pretended to be forgetful in band class, but Remus never picked up his slack out of obligation. Sirius constantly said things that were outlandish, or irrelevant, but Remus just took whatever was said in stride, judiciously choosing when to play into the bit and when to just ignore Sirius. One time Sirius had even tried to be outright offensive, just to see Remus’s reaction, and all the other boy had said was, “I don’t think that’s something you actually believe,” and left the matter at that. Sirius had blushed and fumbled an apology, admitting to trying to get a rise out of Remus, to which the boy said nothing. Remus hadn’t treated Sirius any differently afterwards, either, which only made Sirius feel guilty and ashamed of himself for ever testing his friend’s loyalty and honor.

Something wonderful had happened during all of the tests and challenges Sirius posed to Remus. Somewhere in the mixture, he learned to read Remus incredibly accurately. As much as people conjured inaccuracies about Sirius, the stories and rumors spread about Remus ranged from ridiculous to downright vicious. Remus was as much of a mystery to people as Sirius. But Sirius could read Remus Lupin like his favorite book. He knew the reason for all of Remus’s reactions. He knew the subtle meanings of a lifted eyebrow, an upturned lip, a scrunched nose, a tensed shoulder. James often joked that summer that Sirius was the only person who could decode Remus, but Sirius realized he was just the only other person paying attention. 

So when Remus disappeared after that summer, never writing during the fall or returning to the campgrounds the following year, Sirius desperately longed for the intimate connection he had with the boy who wished on the moon and thrived beneath the stars. 

As Sirius got older, he tried to build a similar relationship with James, but it wasn’t the same. He would easily die for James, that boy and his family had literally saved Sirius’s life a thousand times over, but he never felt challenged. Things could very quickly get out of hand between the two as they egged the other on in ways that were borderline dangerous. There were too many nights that, due to their antics, one or both of them had shattered their own limits and woke up worse for wear, without an idea what had happened the previous evening. Sirius loved their relationship, adored it, cherished it, but his tolerance had started to wane as he got older, and he sometimes felt so untethered and dissociated from his own body that he wondered how he would ever return to Earth. James had Lily as a grounding force. Sirius just wanted something similar. 

On this particularly fateful evening, Sirius had begun to gather himself together in order to meet the young newlyweds for drinks. It was Lily’s birthday, and she wanted to go to some bar on the other side of the bus line from him. Sirius was tempted to ride his bike there, but it would probably be too difficult to park, and there was a chance of snow tonight. He threw on his coat, his boots, and the thick hand-made scarf Mrs. Potter had knit him years ago. It was decently ugly, a garish orange color, but it was the warmest and most comforting piece of clothing he owned. Deciding he was warm enough for a Boston January, he grabbed Lily’s gift and went off to the bus stop, shooting a quick text to James that he had left and was on his way. 

It would take Sirius an hour to get to their selected bar, which was a bit irritating. He was quickly growing tired of this city. It was too overpriced with nothing to do, the winters were awful, and while the public transportation got the job done, it was by no means great. The only reason Sirius had moved here was because Lily got that job offer at a radio station, and without James and Lily, he would have been by himself in _Connecticut_. Who wanted to live in _Connecticut_? He wished he would’ve just had the courage to move to New York like he wanted, but he wasn’t comfortable going to an entirely new city just yet. Especially not by himself. 

Sirius felt disillusioned. He hadn’t expected that this was where he’d end up at 26. He was in a better place than others had predicted, but he felt so directionless. It was hard seeing James and Lily living out their dreams and starting a family when he had no plan. He had a degree, but he didn’t use it or think it was worth anything. He had his job at the record store, but it was quiet and underwhelming. He had the local music scene, but it was small. The only thing he was really grateful for was the semi-debt free existence he lived due to his Uncle Alphard. 

Sirius tried to shake himself of these thoughts. No good ever came of them, and he didn’t want to be too in his head. Today wasn’t meant to be about him, and he was almost his destination. He decided to hop off the bus a stop early, to walk, have a cigarette, and clear his head. Nothing like a jolt of nicotine to settle his nerves. He wove his way in and out of crowds and queues, ignoring the angry hollers from passersby disturbed by his second hand smoke. He didn’t have it in him to care.

Sirius entered the bar and was immediately assaulted by a creeping, tingling sensation up his spine. It was a feeling of intense anticipation, his body seemed tightly tense, like he would combust at any moment with just the right trigger. He had felt this feeling before, it sort of haunted Sirius sometimes. He had felt it when he was first apartment hunting in the city, he felt it in specialty shops sometimes. He had even felt it once when he and James were in Europe during their vacation, walking through some historic old cemetery. He felt this same sense of anticipation during every full moon.

And he had certainly felt it during camp one specific summer, nearly ten years ago.

Sirius sighed and moved forward, pushing through the crowd, pushing past this feeling. James had texted that they were sitting at their same table, in the back corner, almost permanently reserved for their group. He wanted to celebrate Lily, not fixate on this feeling in his stomach. He decided that he’d ask the birthday girl if she had a Pepto in her bag — she was always prepared.

As Sirius approached the table, he took a head count. He could see James and Lily, of course, and Lily’s best friends, Marlene and Mary. There were two identical looking fellows who he assumed were the Prewitts — James had mentioned some _bowling league_ they were all in, god knows why — but there was one person who Sirius didn’t recognize. He was of average height but exuded a taller-person’s energy, with light brown curly hair and decked out in brown plaid. The tingling feeling crawled its way up his throat, like a chunk of peanut butter glued to his esophagus. He forced his way to Jame’s side, stealing his beer and chugging it upon arrival. 

“Hello to you, too,” James smirked, fixing his glasses. “Next round is on you, asshole.”

“Happily,” Sirius replied, voice thick as he caught his breath. “Lily. Happy Birthday.” He carefully slid the square, wrapped package across the table to the redhead.

“Sirius, you didn’t have to get me anything,” Lily said, grabbing the gift anyway. “What record did you get me this time?”

“You don’t know if it’s a record!” Sirius huffed. “It could be anything!” Lily gave Sirius an absolutely incredulous look to which Sirius replied, “It may or may not be a record, I cannot confirm or deny!” Lily raised an eyebrow at him and Sirius shrugged. “I may have found an original ABBA press, but again, I cannot confirm or deny.” 

Lily smiled brightly. “Thank you, Sirius.”

“Anything for my sister.” 

“Let me introduce you to everyone,” said Lily. “You know Mary and Marlene, those two Gideon and Fabian Prewitt, and this is Remus Lupin.”

That name stirred something deep in Sirius, his gaze finally landing on the stranger in plaid. Remus had a narrow face, gently covered in stubble. It would have been a boyish face, if not for the small traces of laugh lines and a furrow permanently etched in between his thick eyebrows. His lips were twisted up into a smirk, and his hazel eyes locked Sirius in a trance. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if he was dreaming, or staring at an apparition, perhaps. 

“I think we might’ve met before,” Remus said, his voice filled with humor. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’ve only known one Remus Lupin in my life, and he disappeared. I think he got in a terrible French horn accident of some kind, or maybe possessed by a demon. Something totally unusual.”

“What a coincidence because I happened to have an exorcism last week, and apparently I was indeed possessed for ten years.”

“Hmm,” Sirius teased. “Can’t be the same bolk, then. ‘Cause it was twelve years ago. I have a good memory.” Sirius watched as a look passed over Remus, the man’s face softening as curiosity flooded his features.

“Interesting...so what do you remember?” Remus asked. 

“Everything.” Sirius replied, shrugging. 

There was a brief pause while Remus processed this information. Sirius held Remus’s gaze while he waited. Finally, a large smile broke out on Remus’s face, and he let out a gentle chuckle. 

“It’s good to see you again, Sirius,” Remus simply said.

“Good to see you, Moony.”

“What are you two going on about?” James interrupted, eyes flicking back between the two of them.

“Ah, James, remember that _excellent_ prank that you _foolishly_ missed out on at Hogwarts? With that old radio tower?”

James’s eyes grew wide with recognition. “No _way_ this is the same Remus!” 

“How many Remus’s have you met in your life?” Sirius asked.

“Well, I figured two. Damn! What a small world!”

“What’re you all going on about?” Lily asked. 

“Remember that camp I told you about?” James replied, reaching for his beer, forgetting Sirius had chugged the rest. “ _Remus_ went there!”

“Oh!” Lily said. “The band camp?”

“It wasn’t _just_ a band camp,” Sirius and James replied in unison.

“Well, there was a band _class,”_ Remus smirked.

Sirius stared at the man, his former co-conspirator, in shock. “Don’t take their side, Remus, Hogwarts _meant_ something!”

“I suppose,” Remus shrugged. “I was only there one summer.”

“And _what_ a summer it was,” Sirius scoffed.

“Oh, Lily,” James began, laughing. “You thought Sirius and I got into trouble during _college_ , you should have _seen_ the shit we did at Hogwarts. Especially with ol’ Remus here.”

“No, you were _notably_ missing from the _greatest_ mission of the _entire_ summer,” Sirius corrected. “That was just me and Moony.”

“Right!” Remus exclaimed. “You and that other kid, you bailed on us. God, what was his name — Patrick? Paul?”

“ _Peter_ ,” Sirius and James murmured, the disgust evident in their tone.

“What happened to him?” Remus asked.

“ _Fuck_ that man —“ Sirius began.

“A no good, _traitor,_ Pete —” James continued. 

“This conversation is irrelevant to most of us and I’m bored of it!” Mary interrupted, Marlene giggling beside her. “Sirius, how is it that _every time_ we go out, you somehow make the whole event about yourself, even when it’s someone else’s birthday?” 

“Well excuse me, _Mary_ , but I’ve just been reunited with a childhood best friend —”

“I don’t care about your band camp friend. No offense, Remus,” Mary said, cutting him off. 

“It wasn’t _just_ a band camp!” Sirius and James announced, again.

“I don’t care,” Mary twinkled. 

Sirius let out a huff and replied, “Fine, well since my reminiscing has been caught short, I’m getting a drink.”

“Get me one too,” James called. “You destroyed mine.”

“Oh me too, you owe me for everything I just had to witness,” Mary laughed. “And one for Lily, too, she’s the birthday girl!” 

“Yeah, yeah, sure!” Sirius threw back, walking away from the table. He was glad that he had a chance to collect his thoughts, away from the group, away from _Remus_. He just needed a moment to process that this boy — _man,_ now — was here in the same bar as him. This was the boy — _man,_ now — who hadn’t known anything about Sirius as a child. This was the boy — _man,_ _now_ — who had fit Sirius like a glove. 

“Oy, hey!” The voice that had only recently seared itself in Sirius’s brain called from behind him. “I’ll help you carry everything, seems like you owe a lot of people drinks,” Remus said, cheekily. 

“Much appreciated, truly,” Sirius laughed. The pair squeezed their way towards the bar, Sirius unsuccessfully trying to flag down the bartender. Content to just wait a bit until they were noticed, Sirius turned towards the man who had only half an hour ago just been a memory. “So, how are you, how’d you end up in _Boston_?” 

“I actually grew up here,” Remus replied. “We moved when I was young, I left for college for a bit, then came back. I’m the producer for Lily’s show.”

“ _You’re_ The Bloody Baron?” Sirius exclaimed. He listened to Lily’s program every day and felt like such a fool for never inquiring as to the identity of the man outside her recording booth. Every time he heard Lily sign on off with her signature “This has been Red and The Bloody Baron, live from WGBH studios, Boston,” he had never thought to question why the name echoed in his mind, just out of reach of understanding. 

Remus chuckled. “You’re the one who gave me the name.”

“Yeah...yeah, I remember,” Sirius said quietly. He stared at Remus, studying his face. He could see the shy yet determined boy from band class, who didn’t let many people help him but offered his thoughts and intellect whenever asked. Sirius was at a loss for words.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Remus responded, raising an eyebrow.

“I feel like I have,” Sirius shrugged. “I just figured I’d never get to see you, let alone in a bar of all places. You can’t really _Google_ your name, you know.”

“You’re one to talk,” Remus laughed. Sirius’s breath caught in his throat as Remus’s face shifted, softening yet serious. He waited as Remus figured out his phrasing, knowing that whatever Remus had to say was going to be of the utmost importance. “I never had a summer like that since. I missed you.”

Sirius’s face split into a grin so wide his cheeks hurt. “Damn, I missed you, too.”

Remus returned Sirius’s smile. “Can I get your number? We’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

Sirius nodded, dung his phone out from his pocket, and traded, keying in the numbers in the other’s phone. They eventually caught the eye of the bartender, ordered their friends drinks, and headed back to the table. 

As Sirius headed home later that night, he could only remember Remus’s reactions. He tried not to be too obvious about it, but he felt like if he blinked for too long, Remus would be gone. He tried to drown out the track of Remus’s laugh playing on repeat in his head, but it kept creeping up on him on his bus ride home. Sirius felt dizzy and light headed, but not because of how many drinks he had or the spliff he shared with Fabian at the end of the night. It was all Remus. 

He got to his place an hour later and climbed up the three flights of stairs to his attic apartment. It was comfortable, surprisingly spacious for a studio. He had the perfect amount of space for his bed, his couch, a kitchen table, and most importantly, his large shelf full of records. He immediately went towards the shelf, pulled out a pop record and let it play. He opened his window wide enough to sit on the window sill, legs dangling out onto the fire escape, and lit a cigarette desperate to get lost in the record. He was desperate to pull his thoughts away from Remus, but to no avail. He briefly wondered if he should text the man, try to find a time to meet as soon as possible. Sirius wasn’t sure how long he sat on the ledge, or how many cigarettes he smoked, before words floated out to him from his record player.

_If there's nothing else 'round the corner_

_We can meet up right where we left off_

“Fuck,” Sirius whispered. He didn’t want to come off as eager, but he wanted more time with Remus. It’s like he found something he hadn’t realized he was searching for, and he didn’t want to lose it again. He had never felt this rush of excitement before, never understood so acutely in the present that his life had just momentously changed. “Just do it you coward.” Sirius grabbed his phone from his pocket and turned it over, seeing that he had a message. Sirius smiled to himself, letting out a laugh at the name.

 **MOONY:** It was really great seeing you tonight. Are you free sometime this weekend? Cup of coffee on me.

Sirius quickly typed back, worries gone.

* * *

One coffee meet up turned into two, which turned into going to a play, or a concert, and eventually casual hang outs at one another’s place. They often chose to be a Sirius’s studio, if only because there were less people around, Remus’s apartment being full of roommates and random friends or acquaintances going in and out. It seemed like no time had passed, their teasing and rhythm returning easily. 

But the nature of these meetings had Sirius confused. He and Remus had hung out together four or five times, and each time it felt like a date. But Remus was so casual about their time together that Sirius felt like he was misreading the man. He wasn’t used to easy going, wasn’t used to the simplicity that came with spending time with Remus. He was used to complicated feelings, and hooking up after the first date. None of this existed with Remus. Being with him was as easy as breathing, and Sirius felt like his overthinking was causing him to be a fool.

For instance, after attending a concert of a band they both enjoyed, after dancing and laughing together all night, Sirius fully believed they were going to kiss for the first time. He was ready for it, slyly popping a mint in, staring at Remus deeply at the end of the night. And Remus just stared back. He didn’t do anything. So, Sirius panicked and hugged him, and not only that, in his awkwardness, Sirius gave Remus a _one armed hug_. He could tell that Remus was confused after he pulled back, but Sirius was so mortified with himself that he quickly rushed away, ignoring the nearest bus stop and just jogging in the general direction of his apartment. He called James to moan about his mortification, which was no help at all. James just laughed and mocked him causing Sirius to eventually hang up. It was now at the point where Sirius couldn’t tell if Remus was interested in him, let alone interested in _men_. He was absolutly losing it.

This evening, however, Remus was over at Sirius’s place, listening to records and playing solitaire while Sirius cooked them dinner. Sirius wasn’t an impressive cook by any means, but he had a dish or two that he specifically made whenever he wanted to impress someone. Tonight he was roasting chicken and had a nice wine from the semi-fancy, lesbian owned wine bar down the street. Sirius just rotated the chicken in the oven, checked on the vegetables and farro on the stove (they were fine) and turned to find Remus looking at his bookshelf.

“This is your brother, right?” Remus said, indicating to a photo, dusty and forgotten about. It was a picture of Sirius and Regulus at age ten and nine respectively, before Sirius had met Remus and everything between the brothers went wrong. Sirius had his arm around his brother’s neck, ruffling his hair while Regulus had a blush and a smile on his face, holding an obscene bouquet of flowers that Sirius had hand picked for him. It was probably one of the last time’s Sirius had seen Regulus smile.

“Yeah, Regulus,” Sirius replied, tossing his dish towel over his shoulder and leaning against the wall. “That was after one of his first piano recitals. He was so nervous he nearly wet himself, but I decked out his backstage area before he got there — lots of sticky-notes to encourage him, make him laugh, really crude drawings, stupid stuff like that. He crushed it.”

“The Black Sons, musical prodigies,” Remus laughed, setting the photo back on the shelf where it lived next to James and Lily’s wedding photo. “What happened to you two? I remember you saying something about him hating you?” Remus looked over at Sirius who sighed and ran a hand through the loose strands of his mostly pulled back hair. 

“What didn’t happen?” Sirius chuckled darkly. “He was a perfect altar boy, while I skipped Sunday school. He got along with our terrible cousins, I thought they were all scummy people. My mother loved him but she hated me. I tried to come out to him, and he rejected me.”

“What?” Remus asked, eyebrows raising, concern etching across his face. 

Sirius turned his back and grabbed his glass from his cooking station, hopping up on the counter, minding the stove and settling in. He had no problem opening up to Remus — he never did. But even though the man standing before him was possibly one of the most understanding people Sirius had ever met, it still didn’t make this story any easier to tell. Remus followed Sirius into the kitchen, leaning on the opposite counter, waiting for him to collect his thoughts.

“I think I was like 12 or 13, I can’t really remember. And Heath Ledger had just died, and I was mourning this actor I’d never met but really idolized — I had just seen _I’m Not There_ , and _Dark Knight_ hadn’t come out yet — and I was sad and just consuming everything he had ever been in. And we weren’t super monitored when on the computer, ya know, it was still considered harmless for the most part. So I remember starting with _10 Things I Hate About You_ and ending with, of all things, _Brokeback Mountain_ ,” Sirius laughed. Remus smiled, encouraging him to continue without pressure. “And, I don’t know, something changed. Seeing this man who seemed to personify _cool_ be intimate in a way I had never considered…I immediately made Reggie watch it. Which, I admit, not the best move, he hadn’t even started puberty, he wasn’t thinking about any of that, but he was my best friend, I was closer with him than James. I guess I thought he would get it…” Sirius trailed off, taking a sip of his wine. 

“And he didn’t, did he.” Remus responded.

“Nope,” Sirius said, popping the plosive. “Said it was disgusting. And that I was disgusting if I thought anything different. Said I was going to hell for even viewing it. He went and told my mom, and she had an absolute fit, said some pretty terrible stuff, _did_ some pretty terrible stuff. And Regulus stopped talking to me. Truly, he did not say a _word_ to me for years.”

Remus exhaled. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Have you spoken to him since?”

“No,” Sirius replied. “Haven’t even seen him since I was kicked out at sixteen. Don’t really know where he is. Probably took over the family estate and business once my parents died. I heard they kicked the bucket a few years ago.”

Lupin nodded, taking everything in while Sirius watched. 

“My dad reacted badly when I came out,” Lupin began. “But I think my mom got through to him eventually.”

“Mmm,” Sirius hummed. “What’d he say?”

“Said, _‘Don’t you realize you’re just making things harder for yourself?’_ I hated him for saying that when I was younger, but now I can understand a bit more about where he was coming from. I...need a lot of medical care,” Lupin paused, looking up at Sirius. “I think he thought doctors wouldn’t treat me or insurance wouldn’t cover me. We were in Boston by that point, marriage was legal here, but still. He grew up in the 80s.” Lupin sighed, crossing his arms. “Doesn’t mean I like it, doesn’t mean I agree with it, but it makes it all make a bit more sense.”

Sirius snorted. “The Noble House of Black is not that open minded —“

“I didn’t mean to imply —“

“You’re good, you’re good,” Sirius reassured. “I just don’t think they ever would have come around. Too religious for that.”

“Catholic?” 

“Greek Orthodox,” Sirius corrected. 

“You’re Greek?”

“My name is _Sirius_.”

“Your last name’s _Black._ How is that _Greek_?” Lupin laughed.

“I don’t know,” Sirius exclaimed, “It got changed at some point.”

“So, does that mean you know those little dances?” Lupin teased.

Sirius blushed. “Well… _yes_ , but they’re not ‘ _little dances_ ’ ok? Some are warrior dances, some are for mourning, or for weddings — I used to be the kid who did all the flips and tricks. I was the main event of the whole festival!”

Lupin smiled. “I’m sure you were.” 

Sirius placed his hands over his heart and winced. “You come into my home, I made you _chicken_ , tell you my deepest family secrets and you _mock_ me. That hurts, Moony, I thought you were more sensitive than that.”

“Eh, I’m sure you’re made out of tougher stuff than that. A little tease doesn’t hurt _Sirius Black_ , the former _main event_ of the _whole festival_.”

Sirius pursed his lips, growing quiet and thoughtful. “Right. So no food for, Moony, then. The leftovers will be nice.”

Remus’s jaw dropped and he stared at shock at Sirius. “Hey, let’s not be _rash_ now.”

“Punishment fits the crime, I think,” Sirius shrugged. 

“I was promised food. And I still expect to eat.”

“You should have thought about that before you went and _mocked_ the chef,” Sirius reiterated. “My kitchen, my rules —” 

“I think you’re mistaking flirting for mocking,” Remus interrupted. Sirius’s mouth went dry. He cleared his throat, trying to play it off. 

“Flirting, huh?” Sirius commented. “Well thank god for that, I’ve been wondering.” 

“I’ve been pretty clear,” Remus stated, smirking. 

Sirius huffed. “Then why haven’t you kissed me yet? I’m irresistible.” 

Remus laughed loudly, causing Sirius to cringe. Sirius had always thought he was irresistible — he had been _told_ so by past partners. And, not to be vain, but he was well aware that he was extraordinarily good looking. 

“Ahh, well, yes, you are that’s undeniable,” Remus chuckled. “But your game? _Terrible_. I honestly had no idea you were even gay until just now.”

“What?!” Sirius exclaimed. “I’m making you _dinner_!”

“I know!” Remus replied, matching Sirius’s tone. “But you’re confusing as all hell. I thought maybe, at best, you were curious? Not sure what I would’ve done if that’s the direction you went in,” Remus said, offhandedly. “I’m not particularly looking to be someone’s experiment.”

“I’ve been very clear, I have no idea where you’ve gotten this idea,” Sirius said, pouting slightly.

“Sirius,” Remus said, staring at Sirius straight on. “You gave me a one armed hug. And called me ‘ _buddy_.’ What was I supposed to think?” 

Sirius blushed. “I — I didn’t _mean_ to, I meant to give you a _full_ hug, with _both_ arms, but I also thought you were going in for a kiss, and then you _weren’t_ and I freaked out and — _why are you laughing at me?_ ”

Remus was doubled over himself, face red, _snorting_ with laughter. Sirius couldn’t really believe it -- he was mortified. He had planned for a much lovelier evening, and he wasn’t sure how it had gotten to this point of humiliation. He tried to think of anything he could do to salvage the situation, but he was literally stuck — he wouldn’t be able to move without shuffling past the still bent over Remus, and that could only make the entire situation worse. So Sirius had no choice but stand there and watch this man he fancied pull himself together. He tried not to get too distracted by the way Remus’s eyes squeezed together in mirth, creating tiny little laugh lines that Sirius wanted to pepper with kisses. Sirius also tried not to find Remus’s dumb little pig snorts adorable, but he was only human. Remus put his hands on his knees and started to catch his breath, deeply inhaling and slowly standing up.

“You done?” 

Remus sighed, a last remaining chuckle escaping. “Yes, yes, sorry about that, I tend to easily rile myself up.”

“It was a bit of an overreaction,” Sirius agreed. “It wasn’t _that_ funny.”

“Right,” Remus began, steadying himself on the counter. “You’re right, but _God_ , I just kept pitching how thrilled younger me would have been.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had such a crush on you, Sirius. At Hogwarts, I just — I don’t know how it happened, or when, but once I realized it, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to be with you. I felt like I was trapped in a silly Taylor Swift song, or something.”

“You had a crush on me?” Sirius asked, surprised.

“Oh a _massive_ crush,” said Remus. “I had never met anyone like you, never _connected_ with anyone like I did with you, and you were talented and funny. You were definitely full of yourself, and I see that hasn’t changed, but wow, if fourteen year old me could see what just happened, could see me standing here, in your kitchen, while you _roast me a chicken_ , and watch you lose your cool, over _me_.” Remus fussed with his hair, and gripped the back of his neck. Sirius softened his own posture in response, not wanting to add to Remus’s discomfort. “I wouldn’t believe it.”

“Moony, I have a very serious question to ask you.”

Remus let out a sigh. “Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?” 

A smile broke out on Remus’s face, his posture easing immediately. “I’ve been waiting, you idiot.” 

Sirius took a few steps to cross the small amount of space between them, and gently gripped the sides of Remus’s face. He pulled the man in, grazing his lips softly before _fully_ kissing Remus, Sirius had intended their first kiss to be sweet, a storybook kiss. But once he started, something erupted between the two men, and Sirius deepened the kiss, obsessing over the feeling of Remus’s lips on his. Remus’s hands wrapped around Sirius’s waist, pulling on his shirt, pulling him closer until there was no space left between the two men. Sirius was drowning and floating and finally everything felt perfect, every missing piece fell into place. Nothing mattered other than Remus, other than kissing Remus Lupin. His Moony. 

Remus finally pulled away and Sirius watched, nervousness and excitement battling in his stomach. Remus’s face was full of wonder and curiosity, as if Sirius was a gift. Sirius never wanted Remus to stop looking at him like that, and leaned forward to place small kisses on the corners of Remus’s mouth.

“Amazing,” Sirius marveled. Remus pulled him in tighter. 

* * *

Sirius had always felt judged by former partners and they were never able to fully grasp his needs. Sometimes, Sirius would even explicitly say he needed, and they forgot. Sirius never told them about his family, never brought them back to his apartment, and only a select few had met James. But eventually, Sirius would get frustrated and restless. Exs called him heartless, but Sirius felt like it was just the opposite. He always thought he just had a flammable heart, ready to burn at any moment. Sirius would do whatever it took to not catch fire, and often left his relationships abruptly. He never felt the need to justify anything to any ex (though they certainly asked) and Sirius never got his heart broken. That was what he knew.

Dating Remus Lupin was nothing like what he expected. Dating for the two men seemed so simple. Sirius had never experienced any relationship like it. That same magnetism he experienced when he was at camp, younger and less knowledgeable, came back, and the two men countered and balanced one another easily. Sirius grew to understand the feeling in his stomach — the feeling that once confused him yet filled him with anticipation — as recognition of Remus’s presence. He would feel it when he would enter bars or restaurants and Remus had arrived earlier, ever punctual to social affairs. He would feel it late at night when he was awakened by nightmares and seek the comfort of his partner in the bed beside him, Remus softly throwing his arm over Sirius’s body. He would feel it when he entered his bedroom from the kitchen and spy on Remus knitting something or other in his bed. 

But for once, Sirius felt like he was the one being iced out. There was something Remus wasn’t telling him, something Remus didn’t want Sirius to know. Underneath their everyday, trouble-free ministrations was something much more complicated. It appeared subtly, and if Sirius wasn’t a quick study in all things Remus Lupin, he might have missed it. It was in a wheeze or a shaky attempt at a deep breath Remus would often take. It was in a flinch when no one was looking, or a surprise coughing fit in the middle of the night. 

Then came the long stretches of hours where Sirius wouldn’t hear a single word from Remus. Remus would vaguely claim to have an appointment, or that he was staying late for work, and Sirius wanted to believe him. It made his neck prickle with jealousy. He knew this pattern, and he knew that screaming about it wouldn’t achieve anything.

Sirius felt like he was haunting Remus, waiting for some inevitable pain. Sirius didn’t know what he would do, what damage he would inflict upon himself or to the illusive man he was quickly falling in love with. All he knew was that he would find out what Remus was up to, one way or another. 

Sirius refused to get his heartbroken. Especially not by Remus Lupin. Especially not by his Moony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long. My real world life got very hectic, and I was hit by intense writer's block, but I'm so happy to finally get y'all the next chapter. I can't guarantee when the next one will come, but know that I'm already working on it.
> 
> The song Sirius listens to in this chapter is "Evergreen" by Ryan Beatty.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! I'm feeling very insecure about this chapter for some reason, so all opinions -- truly all, positive or negative -- are welcomed!


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